There was a time,
When I was stumbling in the dark.
No light to see
The paths ahead of me
I built walls to protect myself
But my fortress was taken by storm.
Weakened by a long-time loneliness,
I had no chance to resist.
I thought I saw a light in the night, a nightlight
To help me find my way in the dark
A fire to give warmth
To ward off the cold.
9 months of talking
9 months of laughter
9 months of passion and tenderness
9 months of happiness
I enjoyed the time
I basked in the light
I basked in the fire
And it felt so wonderful.
Now things are different.
My fortress still stands
But my inner core has been shattered
By the very one who conquered my fortress
There has never been a real chance.
You tried many things for you, and a few things for me
But never anything for us.
“Us” has never existed to you.
“Love” – a word you used
But why ? You never loved me.
An empty word from you
And a lie.
You said “Don´t leave me”
I never left you
I never deserted you
Just to be deserted by you
The only things you see is you and yourself.
I tried to show you different ways, alternatives, other possibilities,
But you turned a deaf ear to everything I said,
For you don´t accept any input by others than you
You it was who turned it all away.
You it was who heard, perceived but never listened.
You it was who never really tried
You it was who never really cared, at all
To you, whatever I did was meaningless - it didn´t come from you
To you, whatever I tried was meaningless – it didn´t come from you
To you, whatever I said was meaningless – it didn´t come from you
But you dare accuse me of not listening, however…
You were too self-centered
You were too ego-focused
You were all that mattered to you
You never really cared about us
I really cared, I really tried.
For us, for you, for me.
Even at the end, I fought for us.
Futile attempts of talking to you
Futile attempts of making you reconsider
Futile attempts because you refused to listen again.
Just a waste of my time, my feelings, and my energies.
The light I saw, the nightlight
Was just a will-o´-the-wisp
It was a ghost-light I followed
It was a ghost-light that fooled me.
The fire I felt was an illusion
No real fire, only a fen-fire
No warmth in the cold
Only more freezing.
So now, I am back
Back to the beginning.
Back where I was
Before those 9 months
Those 9 months of wasting my time
Those 9 months of wasting my words
Those 9 months of wasting my energies
Those 9 months of wasting my emotions
Those 9 months of illusions
Those 9 months of deception
Those 9 months of make-believe
Those 9 months of… actually nothing
Nothing is what I was to you.
Nothing but a catapult to get away from someone else.
Nothing but a distraction to prevent you from thinking.
Nothing but a nice spare-time amusement when you felt bored.
Nothing is what has remained.
Nothing but pain and emptiness,
Nothing but nothingness, a void.
Nothing but deep regret.
Regret for the time, wasted
Regret for the energies, wasted
Regret for the emotions, wasted
Regret for trust, wasted
Regret for all I squandered on you
Regret for my attempts to build a stronghold
A stronghold for both of us to guard us against everything
It was a castle, built on quicksand
You knew right from the start
You let me do all this, nonetheless
You sucked up all I had, all I could give and then
You fired me
All these 9 months,
I was there for you
I shared with you
My thoughts, my heart, everything
I never thought of myself
You and “us” were my only motivations
Now that you´re gone
I´ll think more of myself, again
You´re rid of me, just like you wanted.
I said farewell and left.
I never stay at a place where I´m not welcome
I flew away, and I won´t be there for you, anymore.
For all the things you did and did not do
For all your egoism and your self-centeredness
I now deny you the friendship you wish of me
I have no desire to be used by you ever again.
You say I shouldn´t regret
The nice times there were, the good memories there are.
I do regret them, rue them, for they remind me of you,
And they don´t, by far, outweigh what you did.
Back I am, now
Back to where it all began
Back to the darkness of old
Back to the chaos of former days
So here, I am
Trying to forget, to cope with it all
Trying to leave it all behind
And I stand at this place again
A place of darkness
A place of chilling cold
A place of bitterness
A place of loneliness
A place of many paths unseen
A place of many possibilities unperceived
A place of alternatives, which ones to take ?
A place called Crossroads
A place, familiar
A place I´ve known for long.
A place I return to, and it feels like I´m
(© Sparrowhawk, November 2004)